Birth Without Pain

I got pregnant for my fifth baby when my son was just four months old, and I had not yet resumed my periods, so I wasn’t sure exactly when to expect the baby. I wasn’t happy about being pregnant and seriously considered termination. I went to a clinic seeking an abortion and left without one, having seen my child’s tiny beating heart on the ultrasound screen. The clinic was very understanding and did not try to convince me to terminate. They gave me resources for parenting and adoption, along with a big bottle of prenatal vitamins and a shiny, grainy picture of my unborn baby, with a due date of October 7, 2009.

My first four babies had been induced in the hospital. I had felt that all control had been wrenched from me the minute I hired the obstetrician. So I decided that since I couldn’t plan the pregnancy, I was going to plan the birth. I was going to do it my way, no matter what anyone else said.

So I hired my wonderful midwife when I was in the beginning of my second trimester. At my first appointment she examined me thoroughly and changed my due date. She believed the baby would come around the 19th, not the 7th.

Fast forward to October 2009. The birth kit was assembled, the baby clothes were folded, the diapers were washed and stacked. Even though I had not had a 20 week ultrasound, I just knew my baby was going to be a girl. I didn’t wash or prepare anything blue, because I knew I was having a girl. I chose a white kimono, white diaper cover, and a tiny pink hat for the birth kit. And then I waited.

As the due date drew closer, I became more and more anxious. I strongly felt that the baby would come quickly, and I was terrified that my husband, who worked second shift, wouldn’t make it home when it was time. I had strong, regular contractions starting around 37 weeks. With each contraction, I practiced complete perineal relaxation – like a reverse Kegel. These constant contractions were so tiring, and put me on edge, waiting for “the real deal.” I worried that I wouldn’t know when labor really started, and that once I realized what was going on, it would be too late, and I would deliver unassisted.

So in the days before the birth, my husband stayed home from work. We spent those days arranging our home (we had just moved a month or so before) and going for long drives in the country. I continued to have contractions regularly, and I continued to practice complete relaxation of my belly and groin. I took lots of warm baths and talked to my online friends, complaining that my baby would never be born.

A week after my due date, I saw my midwife because I didn’t feel well. She asked if perhaps I should see a doctor, and I said no. I didn’t feel sick, I just didn’t feel good either. I felt strange. I asked for a cervical examination and was surprised to learn that I was dilated to 5 centimeters and nearly 100% effaced, with my waters bulging. The baby was very low, but not “dropped,” he or she could still easily move up and away from the birth canal.

The next  day, October 27th,  dawned bright and sunny. This was such a welcome relief after weeks of endless dreariness and rain. The autumn leaves were bright in the sunshine, and as I lay in bed looking out the window, I rubbed my belly, asking the baby to please come out and see the beautiful world. When I got out of bed, I felt an odd shift downward, and I could tell that the baby had “dropped.” This was a surprising sensation – I had never felt that with my other children. I used the bathroom and had copious amounts of pink mucusy show. I knew in my heart that today would be my baby’s birthday, but I didn’t tell anyone. It felt like a delicious secret between me and the baby

We went to the fabric store and I bought material to make the baby a hat. I remember riding home,  feeling that the world was beautiful and life was beautiful and everything was amazingly perfect.

Around seven that evening, my grandma called to see if there was any progress.  I told her that I wasn’t sure, but I definitely wasn’t in any pain, so probably not tonight. I was starting to feel a little discouraged, because I had been so sure that the baby would be coming. All of my other babies, having been induced, had been born in the early afternoon. I assumed that this fifth baby would be the same, and so when evening rolled around and no baby arrived, I was disappointed and restless.

I decided there was nothing to do but have a snack and go to bed. I got in bed really, early, around 8:30pm, and watched a game show. I remember feeling contractions every two or three minutes, but they never felt painful. They felt tight and hard, and I could feel my cervix sting as it stretched open, but it never really hurt.

My husband’s daughter from his first marriage called around that time, and he talked to her for awhile. Then he talked to his former wife about when their daughter would be visiting us. Around 9:00pm, I stood up and announced that if he didn’t get off the phone, I was leaving. “Here I am, having contractions, and you’re on the phone with your ex!”

My poor husband was caught completely off guard, because I had never made any noise or faces indicating that I was having contractions. He hurriedly got off the phone and followed me down to the bathroom, where I had started to run a bath. He thought we should call the midwife; I told him not to because it didn’t hurt. By this time I had started to vocalize at the very peak of my contractions, but not due to the pain. I was welcoming the contractions, observing the sensations and allowing myself to relax and truly feel my body open. My husband called the midwife.

She arrived around 9:45pm. Sometime between him calling and her arrival, I called my doula, but told her I wasn’t really sure. My contractions weren’t painful, so they couldn’t possibly be the real deal.

When the midwife got to my house, I was lying on my bed with my bottom in the air, instinctively. It just felt good to be in that position. Now the contractions were harder, but still not painful. If I laid on my back, my whole pelvis would start to ache, so I made sure not to lay on my back. I didn’t hear the midiwfe come in, but I smelled her perfume. She brought an air of calm to the environment that I hadn’t even realized was missing. She put her cool hands on my bare back and said, “This is it – it’s time for your baby to be born.”

She asked if she could check my cervix, and I agreed, so I rolled over onto my back. She checked me and found that my cervix was open 6 centimeters and 100% effaced. As she checked, my waters broke. It was such an odd sensation to feel them burst spontaneously; I had never experienced that with my four other children.

Suddenly, I jumped up and tucked my towel between my legs, and ran down the stairs. My poor midwife had to act fast – she grabbed her instruments and gloves and ran down the stairs after me. I got to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. It felt cold, and that felt really good. The midwife sat on the floor in front of me, gently touching my belly, and then sometimes touching my legs or hands with a firmer touch to help me stay connected.

It was now around 10:15pm. I sat on that toilet watching my belly arc up and then down, never feeling pain, but realizing that birth was imminent. My legs shook and my body started bearing down without my control; the muscles I was using felt very similar to throwing up. Suddenly, the midwife said “Stand up!” So I did, and out popped my baby’s head!!

Two minutes later the rest of the body slithered out – just in time for my husband to come into the bathroom! I didn’t even realize that he wasn’t there! I sat down and took my baby in my arms. The birth kit was upstairs, so we used regular towels to wipe the baby’s face. I didn’t think to check the gender, but a few moments later, my older girls (ages 8 and 5) came into the bathroom to see. They peeked between the legs and shouted joyously IT’S A BOY!!!

I was shocked that the baby was a boy; I was even more shocked when we weighed him a few minutes later and discovered that he weighed 10 pounds, 6 ounces.  The time of birth was 10:27pm – I can’t tell you when exactly labor began, but I can say that it was 100% painless from start to finish, and how unbelievably grateful I am that I chose not to terminate my beautiful son’s life.

– Rose, mama and doula, birth artist and breastfeeding activist

Autumn Rain Birthing

Tendrils of dreams cling like tacky webbing to my mind, dusty purple and muddy yellow.

Inhaling, I turn to hold the warm body next to me against my chest.

I hear the melodic hum of notice. No more rest this night.

Even before pressing the phone to my ear, I can hear your breathing, deep and powerful. I offer a wordless murmur of acknowledgment.

Breath. It’s time. Sigh, then laughter like wind chimes. Come now, you say.

I smile, ok.

Pressing my lips against the neck of my lover, I whisper goodbye. He smiles and turns over.

As I move silently through the house, making ready for your birthing time, I hear the tappa tappa of rain begin it’s cadence on the roof…..

… Hand paused over your doorknob, I think of the silent shadows of hundreds of women around the world birthing with you. Quiet prayer, turning knob.

I shed my shoes in the entry, this is holy ground. Midwife whispers all is well, you have been asking for me.

I make my way to your room, following the sounds of low moaning and gentle rustling. Peppered in among the warm sounds of birth is a man’s voice, a lover’s murmuring.

Stopping at the door to your room, I lean against the frame – blushing at the intensity of his love, I watch your partner caress your belly while you lean back against him in the timeless dance of birth.

He sees me in the doorway and beckons me in with one hand. Sensing my gaze, you open your eyes, crookedly and bashfully grin, hi.

Joining you in the candlelight, we speak without words. Two women in the ancestry of motherhood.

Guiding my hands around your swollen and glistening abdomen, you draw another wave from your womb.

You lock your hands around your lovers neck. He draws a deep breath from your hair and begins to slowly sway, running his fingertips across your breasts and shoulders.

Softly roving my fingers in miniature spirals, I feel the contraction of your womb expand through your soul and your head begins to rock from side to side. Moans ripple from your lips as you bend your knees to embrace the strength of your work.

Drumming cadence echos from the roof as heaven opens its flood gates and distant rumblings beat out drums of deep remembrance.

We move in perfect synchrony. Space pulls in and we are solitude.

As a vapor, Midwife moves in and out, lovingly guiding, quietly listening. Following your lead as your expanses roll from your most inner parts to draw us closer. time stands still.

Water

Lower

Pressure

Lover

Lips and smiles, softened edges and deep intones

Lower

Powerful

Pressure

Present becomes as you keen at the crest of a wave. Crimson trail and a trickling stream traces a rivulet down your thigh. You drop gracefully to your knees, and we follow in adoration. Nestled between your lover and friend, you whisper, blessing.

Bodies rustle in the dim light and someone places a vial of oil in my open hand. Midwife softly breaths ancient tongues in lilting rhythms, the blessing of the womb is drawn in slippery syllables across your body, your temple.

In deep timbres, like honey and incense, a prayer drifts towards the rafters…

Dominus custodiet te Dominus protectio tua super manum dexteram tuam

In hushed worry, you whimper doubt into my throat. I lift your chin to see my eyes. Clear and promising. You look hesitant to Midwife, she is strong and smiling.

Sighing into the crook of lovers arms, releasing, you plant your earthen foot upon the ground and move forward. Timelessly, in the most ancient of positions, you press down toward terra firma.

Midwife presses, softly, on babies entrance. Soon.

Lover, his melody continues…

auxilium meum a Domino factore caeli et terrae

Glistening power crowns your brow as you grip my wrists, intently your eyes stare through me and your breath catches in the most primal of moments. Life water flows freely from you as your vessel tips to pour out this side of heaven.

The static crackling of anticipation hovering like a current through our bodies; I wait eager and breathless. We all fall silent as you reach a hand into the river.

Joy, tears, a moments rest. Then moving down once more.

Pressing like a silky soft pearl against taut ribbons of flesh, I can see new life. Your fingers flutter over his crown as you shake loose your other hand.

Your lover releases his hold on you while keeping his body pressed against you. My hands move to your feet while midwife guides your hands.

Surrounded, supported, this pearl becomes flesh, and the flesh becomes child. As you cradle his head, he opens his eyes.

A crooning, a candle flickers, and his shoulders slip free. Water and blood and baby, cascade in perfect harmony, as you wrap your child against your breast in triumphant shout.

The rain abruptly stops. Silence echos, adoring tears… a child’s first cry.

Welcome Caeli!

Welcome Eason

Lani and Toby, when I met you, you were excited and anxious, happy and cautious. We spoke about your dreams and desires for this, the birth of your first baby.

On February 2nd, Lani, you called me in the early a.m. to let me know that you believed your water had broken. After discussing things, it sounded like it had, indeed, broken. I encouraged you to eat something and call a short time later if no contractions were felt. Shortly afterward, you called to let me know that you were not feeling any contractions but that you were seeing a lot of pink discharge. I reminded you to watch your temperature, stay hydrated, try walking, stairs, foot massage, and nipple stimulation.

You began using the breast pump and stayed active. Around noon, you attempted to take a nap but couldn’t from the excitement. We began talking about your options, including the pros and cons of staying home vs going to the hospital. You decided to stay home and keep working on getting things established on your own.

Around 6:30, you let me know that you and Toby would be heading into the hospital sometime later that evening and that you would call me when you knew more about how you were going to proceed. Around 10:30, you called to let me know that you were having contractions every 15 minutes but were not feeling them and the plan was to start pitocin sometime that night to try to get things moving.

At 4 am, I received the call that you were ready for me. Your contractions were coming quickly (every 3 minutes) and strong. They were completely in your back and you wanted my help. I packed up and headed over immediately, arriving around 5am.

When I arrived, you were standing beside the bed, moving gracefully and peacefully through the timeless movements of the labor dance. Toby, you had your hands always at the ready to support and your voice, to encourage. Beautiful! We talked about your discomfort and where it was at. With the last exam, your cervix was still high and posterior and around 3cm.

We began with lunges, as I had strong reason to believe, from your description, that your baby was posterior as well. After a few lunges, we worked on a pelvic floor release, and then you moved right back up again – ready to get things moving toward birth.

Toby and you moved in such beautiful synchrony, alternating from quiet words of encouragement, prayer, and touch to dancing, hanging, and sitting on the birthing ball, and walking.

After around an hour of moving through this cycle, I asked your nurse’s permission and unhooked your monitor for a walk around the halls. During this, I encouraged you to open your hips and sway, and during contractions, to move your hips in a figure 8 or squat. Once back to the room, they checked your progress and you had moved up to 4cm and baby was nice and low, with babies head starting to turn into the right position.

We opted for hands and knees next, and I sifted you through some contractions, which seemed to help with the back pressure, but it wasn’t long before you were up and moving again with me providing counterpressure to your sacrum and lower back. Your sister, who had come to be with you through your labor, began breathing prayers over your birthing space, quoting Psalms, while Toby loved you through every contraction, praying over you and speaking life over your labor and body.

Throughout all of this, Toby leaned in close to you and you both prayed that your labor and birthing time would bring glory and be a testimony to God’s grace and goodness. It was breathtaking.

Throughout labor, you had attempted to eat, but couldn’t. Coupled with no sleep and hypoglycemia, you were getting to the point of pure exhaustion. We talked about options to try to get you some rest, but the contractions were coming strong and close. We talked about the pros and cons of getting an epidural and how your risks could best be minimized if you opted for the epidural.

If baby was low enough, and had turned well, you were ready for the epidural. You didn’t want one before then, and wisely so, in order to let baby get into the best position possible and to make sure that there were no regrets with your choice.

At your request, you were checked and found to be a good strong 5cm, baby was +1 station and was in a good position. 20 minutes later, your epidural was in place. You soon realized, though, that the epidural that was supposed to allow you some much needed rest was not going to allow for it. You had a window of pain over your right hip. By 11:45 am, we were alternating you from left to right, working on massaging the hip joints, and opening your pelvis through different positions, including the throne.

The anesthesiologist was called back into the room and, around 12:30, he gave a slight pull on the epidural catheter in hopes to straighten it and give better complete coverage. Directly afterward, though, you mentioned lots of pressure down below, different from what you had felt previous.

You asked to be checked again and were complete, 10 cm! At this point, I encouraged you, if you didn’t feel a strong urge to push, to take advantage of the time, since baby was looking strong, and try to rest. You attempted to rest but, after 30 minutes, you felt a good amount of pressure and were able to start bearing down with the contractions.

After a few trial pushes, you really began to get the rhythm, really moving into a groove that you could feel and work with. With Toby alternating on one side with your sister, I held your other leg and you began moving your baby out and into the world.

Soon, you came to that place where you had to decide if the pressure in your womb, or the pressure at your perineum was greater. Slowly and evenly pressing through, you brought your babe to crowning. Slowly, he spiraled out of your womb and into your arms.

Immediately, you and Toby both began speaking blessings and words of welcome over your new son. At 3:09, after 1 1/2 hours pushing, Eason arrived with gusto!

You were a beautiful team, wholly and completely one, working as a unit, from the moment your womb spilled it’s water until the moment your son was placed, slippery and beautifully new into your arms, you were ‘family’.

Congratulations family H! You are blessed!